-= speechless are we? hmmm... =-

Sometimes ignorance is the best answer.

Sometimes.

I like collecting old stuff. Reminds me of the old days. I love Sungei Road. =)

This was written at 10:59 pm on Tuesday, January 31

-= no you don't want me to be here =-

Choices.

That's all there is to it.

Doing some scouting tomorrow.

I need a new portable music player.

Hai.

This was written at 12:45 am on

-= there comes a time =-

I feel like everything I've lived for has been taken away from me and just gone down the drain in the last month. I feel like crap. Really I do. I spend almost all of my time wondering about what could have been and what it would be like if things were as they were before.

Yes. I do miss the past.

We try our best to keep things as they are but I think it's easier much said than done. That's the way things are I guess. You think things are going well for you but the next minute, everything crumbles down and you're left with nothing.

Sometimes I wonder what's point of holding onto a false hope for so long. It's like holding onto something you already know you'll lose but just can't seem to let go. What's the use?

Yes. I think I have lost almost everything and I don't think there's any turning back now.

Well, at least I tried.

Back to square one now.

This was written at 1:52 am on Monday, January 30

-= eagle fly free =-

Dream Theater is the best thing I've ever experienced. Words just can't describe it.

Jordan Rudess has fingers like squids.

Argh.

This was written at 3:13 am on Saturday, January 28

-= big in japan =-

When your big in Japan, tonight.
Big in Japan, be tight, big in Japan where the eastern sea's so blue.
Big in Japan, alright, pay, then I'll sleep by your side.
Things are easy when you're big in japan, when you're big in Japan.

That's some interesting lyrics.

I realized that all this while I've been putting the interest of others before mine. I always thought that was a good thing. I still do.

Things are a lot different now. I'll have to deal with that one way or another.

Lot's of things can affect someone's behaviour. Fame, money, ego. I think the most important one is insecurity. We tend to do things to feel accepted. Sometimes we don't know what reverse effect it has on us. And then, it leads to a thing called reputation. Once we feel we're accepted into this certain circle, we'll do anything to maintain that position or try to rise to a higher level. Sometimes we tend to forget about the people or things that helped us get into this circle in the first place. This is when ego comes in. Once we know that we're already up there, we forget about them and just go on making a name for ourselves.

Sadly, this is life. I'm still stuck at the bottom.

I'm still feeling freaking cold.

This was written at 11:56 pm on Wednesday, January 25

-= so many adventures couldn't happen today =-

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Sometimes it's the other way around.

The sky is red tonight.

And it's only 24 days into the new year.

The days have been cold even though the sun's been out a lot. My toes always feels like ice.

As of late, I've been having the tendency to walk a lot more when I'm on the way home, especially at night.

There's this new guy in keyboard class. An eleven-year-old boy. He's rather irritating at times but it's nice to have him as a classmate. Sometimes I wonder why I get along better with kids. Maybe cos they don't think to complexly as most older people.

Damn it. I still don't know what to do with my life.

Maybe I'll stay in my room for days until I go crazy. Then at least I can stay in Woodbridge where there's free food everyday.

Hmmm...

This was written at 12:02 am on

-= cold feet =-

It's almost 5am and I can't sleep.

Go figure.

This was written at 4:51 am on Tuesday, January 24

-= a spanish restaurant =-

Suddenly woke up at around 8am for no apparent reason. Felt cold, even with the blanket.

Dreamt about being on a ship with a few close people. Sailing far away and witnessing the beauty of the world. Felt good actually. Not worrying about anything. Just sat and talked for hours.

If only this dream were to come true.

More, i sway here forevermore,
Until lovely gaia is burnt to the core.
You'll find me at the gallows.

This was written at 10:19 am on Monday, January 23

-= signify =-

Sat at the basketball court yesterday at around 1am. Stared at the sky. The stars, the half moon. I couldn't help but realise how small and insignificant we are in this world. How one can notice something as bright as the star but it only recognizes you as just one of the other million dots that it sees from up there.

Received a rather perculiar message yesterday. Damn.

I still can't get a proper night's sleep without having to wake up in the middle of a dream.

I hate my dreams.

They always come true.

Isolation is complete,
Disease on our skin,
Reflect us upon the earth,
The light is dim and the air is dead,
Through delirium I realized why.

This was written at 1:27 pm on Sunday, January 22

-= images and words =-

And so he said, 'Away from this land I shall go. Far, far away. I shall leave this barren land in search something new. For now only do I know that this love I once shared was nothing more than just a sham and a lie. Now, may this be the memory of the love we once had. The joy and sorrow we shared. And with that, may this be the last farewell to you my dear, for I am only to cherish this pain.'

And with that, he left. Leaving everything behind. Memories. Memories that were once to be cherished. Memories that are now to be put aside. And onwards this journey, he leaves this forsaken land that he called home. Hoping to find solace on this voyage across the Sea of Sorrow and over the Lakes of Tears.

A thousand sleepless nights and a million tears he shed. That was all he could do. Now all long dead and gone, like the tree he yearns to move on. There is nothing he can do. All that's left is to carry on alone by himself, to find solace in solitude.

This was written at 10:05 am on Saturday, January 21

-= justify =-

And my door can be closed properly now.

This was written at 7:40 pm on Friday, January 20

-= die die die =-

We're going to die this Saturday. Argh!!!!!!!!!

This was written at 12:26 am on Thursday, January 19

-= no more =-

No more.

I can't bear having people suffering because of what I've said or done anymore.

No more.

This was written at 3:09 am on Wednesday, January 18

-= canon in D major =-

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and forget everything and everyone I know.

Damn.

Somehow I can't look at you the same way before.
Please, prove me wrong.

This was written at 10:45 am on Tuesday, January 17

-= as much as i want to hate you =-

Someone made a rather interesting point about waiting and how much it is worth just now.

I think I kinda left out one thing though. What if you wait for so long thinking it's worth it and in the end it's worth nothing?

I think I've been wasting a lot of time waiting.

I really hate doing this but, I really have to question certain things again.

I don't think it will be a loss. To me at least.

I don't want to say anything anymore.

I don't ask for a lot.
Apparently, that's too much.
The little things mean so much to me.
Apparently it doesn't to you.

Now, I see a different side of you.
I question my position and ask myself.
Was it worth all this while?
I've been wasting my time.

You try to say sorry.
But sorry is just a word.
A word that is sadly abused.
Nothing more.

All that I can expect from you now,
Is just another excuse like every other.
Now it has to come to this.
Where ignorance is bliss.

And now,
As much as I want to hate you,
I can't.
Why?

This was written at 1:03 am on Monday, January 16

-= 18 days =-

A lot can happen in 18 days. And when I say a lot, I do mean a lot.

I have a problem. And I think it's a very huge problem. I find it hard to trust people. Everytime when I feel like I can put my trust in someone, something will have to come up and make me think twice about whether I can put my trust in him or her. Yes. Paranoia is a bad thing. Somehow this is what makes most relationships I have fall apart just like that.

And I don't know whether it was coincidence or just a matter of torture from some higher power, everything had to just come crashing down at the same time. People started to act different, people telling me not to trust people and the other way around as well. I tried not to think about it much but when it keeps coming and coming, I don't think anyone can run away from it.

I think my actions has affected certain people. And honestly, I don't know why I reacted in such ways. I guess an apology is due and may this be it. Anyone who reads this and feels like they deserve the apology, please take it.

Somehow the trip to Woodbridge for the match was a rather interesting experience. I guess now I realise that if you keep thinking too hard about things you shouldn't, you might end up in there, alone. No offense to those already there. (Some of them are even smarter than most of you.)

Well, the sun is out. It didn't rain yesterday. I see this as a sign of good things to come. And frankly, I think it has already started.

Oh well, I think I won't be blogging for some time now. So yeah, til then. Good day.

This was written at 11:17 am on Saturday, January 14

-= miles =-

Argh...

Somehow that word has become a popular word in my vocabulary as of late. Today was a rather interesting day.

Somehow a series of random events lead to something good in the end.

Argh... Sometimes fate is a good thing. Hah!

Forever young~ I want to be forever young~

Argh!!!

Malex!!!

Argh!!!

Woink woink!!!

Okay. I should stop. Good day. =)

This was written at 12:54 am on Friday, January 13

-= alphaville =-

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
Little children wanna play,
Rain rain go away.

Too much of a good thing can be bad. I always wanted it to rain, but not to this extent. Hahah. Everything's so cold. Everything's wet. It's like everything has to be put on hold for a while. Oh well. But somehow, in the back of my mind, I tend to wonder if this is a sign that the end of the world is coming. Hmmm...

Too much exposure to the rain and coldness kinda makes you think about things that you would never think of before. And now, I seem to be addicted to malay songs. ~_^???

Hah!

Okay. I need sleep. Goodnight. =)

This was written at 12:41 am on Thursday, January 12

-= eleven dreams =-

The one
That makes me stronger
Still pulls me under
Leaves me on my knees
The one
That makes my heart beat
Still makes my sould bleed
Bleeding piece by piece

You see
I am your destination
Where you always want to be
A heartfelt emotion
Cast aside and then I feel

Lonely, We are alone
Only, Nothing to atone
Someday
I hope I hear you whisper
Always, always
I do, now we've come this far

Never make mistakes
As long as loneliness awakes

The one
Simply completes me
Still don't believe me
Eventhough I know
The one
Is under my skin
Still makes my mind spin
And turns me upside down

And still our lives pass by
Day after day, we never speak
Sometimes we start to wonder why
But then we're going back to sleep
And then we fall to pieces
We are lost in loneliness
Close your eyes, believe this
We are one, one

Never make mistakes
In life we dedicate
Our souls to someone else
Left dangling by ourselves

Only lonely...

This was written at 2:36 pm on Tuesday, January 10

-= malex =-

Damn it.

The weather's making me cold. Both physically and emotionally. Blergh.

I see bubbles outside my window. ~_^

If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

This was written at 8:12 am on Monday, January 9

-= the word of the day =-

Compromised. Not compromise.

I guess I thought wrong. There is always two ways to everything. Including the first sentence in this paragraph.

Guess once = May be right or wrong

Guess more than once = Never right

I've been guessing too much.

Well, at least I know I'll have more than $3000 in reserve money now. I think by the time I reach 45, I'll have $5000. =) And the best thing about this, I don't have to do anything. Yay.

This was written at 11:08 pm on Sunday, January 8

-= chronicles of narnia? =-

Hmmm... Interesting.

This was written at 11:26 am on Saturday, January 7

-= emo? =-

Maybe not.

This was written at 11:50 am on Friday, January 6

-= delusion =-

Click here to listen to the second demo of mine called Delusion. Enjoy. =)

This was written at 6:14 pm on Thursday, January 5

-= 2006 =-

And now we enter a new year. I think this year will be unlike most other years that passed by. Somehow I'm expecting lots of changes entering this new year. Changes to people, current affairs, personal situations and also myself. I'm not one who's too fond of change but I guess I'm prepared for something to happen some time or another.

I wouldn't say 2005 was a memorable one. Cos there are a few things that I wished didn't have to happen. Withdrawing from my poly course is way on top of that list. I really wished things had gone much differently from the way it did. But I don't regret the decision. It was hard but it was necessary to me.

2005 will also be the year that I got to know lots of new people and also made lots of enemies. However I don't hold anything against anyone. I guess it's just a matter of not being able to please everyone. And for that, I apologize to those who feel hard done by me. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I'm just trying too hard I guess. On the other hand, I guess some friendships has grown stronger and the new friendships made are showing signs of good things to come. Let's hope all goes well.

I guess I'm not expecting much good things this year. Yes, I'm expecting a lot to happen but I guess good things are hard to come by. I'm looking forward to certain things but I'm dreading some as well. I think I'll try to take things in my stride as I have always done. Although not everything good has come out of it. But yeah.. Somehow things do happen for a reason. And I'm sticking to that belief.

So yeah.. It'll be interesting to see how the things around me turn out this year. And til then, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed. And to all, Happy 2006.

This was written at 10:23 pm on Sunday, January 1